Lets talk… ‘Becoming a Mummy’

My children came into this world to two completely different mothers, now as odd as that sounds, hear me out. 

My son who has just turned 10 came earthside in 2013 and back then I was a mess to say the least. Now don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic to be pregnant, but also full of fear and anxiety. I stopped exercising which I loved and ate all the crappy food, plus my emotional state to handle all the hormones and adjustments to life was crazy.  

I resented my partner because he would still go out partying and drinking with his friends and I was stuck at home alone; my life had literally changed overnight. I remember feeling this huge overwhelm of loneliness and abandonment from my partner and friends I previously partied with. I used to be the life and soul of the party, out every weekend, getting completely wasted and having the best time - or so I thought.

Now I was adjusting to not going out, or having a soft drink if I did, and feeling very protective over this little baby bump that was suddenly popping out. Going out and not drinking to me was pointless, I felt like I had no confidence; plus being in a busy bar pregnant filled me with so much anxiety. It certainly didn’t have the same appeal to me as it used to.  

So, I found food, food that I had previously deprived myself of. Like the large party bag sized crisps, you know the ones like bacon rashers, onion rings, salt and vinegar chip sticks etc. I used to mix sour Haribo in with vanilla ice cream, plus I found a love for McDonalds strawberry milkshakes.  

Now for those who know my lifestyle now will be like ‘whhhaaatttt’ 

Throughout my pregnancy I was filled with fear, by the maternity unit. They would constantly tell me how big my baby was going to be, I was in for weekly for scans, with the outcome always the same – your baby is measuring big, and this may create a tricky birth for you. As a first-time mum who didn’t know her own power just yet, this was terrifying.  

The inevitable happened and my son Harry came into this world via a traumatic birth, which ended up in an emergency C-section to a mother who was heavily drugged up, traumatised, and suffering from significant blood loss.  

I was broken, I had labored for nearly 48 hours, pushed for 3 hours then wheeled in for surgery; anyone who’s experienced a similar situation will know the battering your body has endured. 

My son and I had a rough start; when I found out babies can be emotionally affected by birth trauma, it really hit home and upset me so much that my baby boy had been through so much already. We both had.

So, we began our healing journey together, as mummy and son, boy has it been one hell of a ride. When I think of 2013 me, I go back at times and give her the biggest hug because she was so strong, so brave, and she got me to where I am today.  

Now let’s skip forward to 2020 when I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. I was beyond excited; I had been dreaming of this moment for the last 3 years and this happened at just the right time.  Always trust in divine timing my friends.

Though I suffered with sickness, migraines, and exhaustion in the beginning, I soon felt incredible. I ate wholesome nourishing food, I exercised and most importantly I had a present husband and my amazing son was so excited to have a little brother / sister on the way.   

This time it was so important for me to have a healthy pregnancy and a birth which I was in control of. I was lucky enough to have an independent midwife who fully supported me and helped us all heal from previous birth trauma; she really helped us understand what happened. If this is something you haven’t done after a traumatic birth, I urge you to work through this with a professional.

This time I was in control of my body, and no one was filling me with fear and anxiety.

Guided by my midwife I said no to unnecessary tests and copious amounts of scans I was invited to, plus I made appointments on my terms with various consultants. 

It was not all plain sailing but hear me when I say, I was in control this time and I truly believe with the right team around you, you can be in control of your pregnancy and birth.

Knowing you have the power is the most important thing in chapter 1 of motherhood.  

My daughter’s birth ended up needing to be a planned C-section; now while this was not my initial plan, I had made the decision with my midwife that this was the safest option for both of us.  

We found a surgeon to honor my wishes of a natural c-section (if you don’t know what this is – click here https://youtu.be/fR-39ITbJOQ?si=62TvXMSrDLTMQXV- , it’s a beautiful, calming experience for both mama and baby 

I meditated & journaled every day; I did hypnobirthing to help my mindset; I felt so calm whilst having the Spinal, that my husband and midwife kept checking if I was ok – hubby was more nervous than me. 

I experienced the most incredibly beautiful moment when my daughter came into the world, the song ‘when a man loves a woman’ was playing and I got to watch her push herself out of my tummy and then she was laid straight on me.

This little bundle of joy with the biggest cheeks came out and laid straight on my chest looking up at me. That moment was truly magical and something I had dreamed of experiencing.  

Although my husband could not stay for long, the time I shared with baby girl in hospital just me and her was wonderful. She slept, she fed, we cuddled and bonded. I experienced that “I love you beyond words” moment which took my breath away.  

Now do you understand what I mean, when I wrote my babies were born to two completely different mothers? Can you resonate with this?  

The 1.0 version of mummy me was filled with anxiety, fear, and loneliness, whilst the 2.0 version of mummy me was filled with peace, love, and wholeness.  

2013 me and 2024 me are two completely different people and that is ok, I would not be who I am today without all the past versions of me.

My healing journey began as a mummy and is still ongoing. Healing does not end, it is a continuous, beautiful, wild journey and at every turn you discover a brighter light; inner peace flows, confidence flourishes. You smile knowing how far you have come and how truly strong and brave you really are.

When we bring our children into this beautiful world, we are here to nurture, love and teach them; but don’t underestimate the lessons they are here to teach us. So be present with them, listen to them and have fun with them.

And please remember to look after you; when your children see you take care of yourself they will know and learn to do the same for themselves when they are adults.

LOVE THEM & LOVE YOU

After all Love is the biggest gift of all.

N.G.xXx

Written by Nicole Grant - January 17th 2024