Lets talk.. The “Motherload”

It’s 5pm, I’ve got a toddler clinging to my leg, my 9-year-old son asking questions about some war ship and husband asking if I know where something is, all whilst I’m trying to dish up dinner. My mind in overdrive, voices of 3 different people at the same time, the TV on in the background and the oven timer going off….Wow the stress that is bubbling up inside me is overwhelming.

When did I sign up for planning and preparing three meals a day every day, for a family of 4. When did I sign up for all the noise, being pulled in a million different directions at one time, the washing, the ironing, the cleaning, the running around everywhere and the list goes on.

Anyone else relate?

Then we lose it; we shout, we run off to hide, to cool off or perhaps we even breakdown into floods of tears on the floor because it’s just too much.

Us mummies don’t get angry because of all these things; we get overstimulated and actually bloody exhausted. Yep, that’s right grown-ups get overstimulated just like children, however this is not talked about enough.

As soon as our first born comes into this world our whole lives change. It is the most magical, wonderful, blessing anyone can go through, but let’s be honest for a lot of us it isn’t easy either.  

Suddenly we are different; we change as a human being as soon as we enter the motherhood phase of life. Everything we know, everything we thought, we felt, we did, it’s all different now, and it won’t ever be the same again. I mean for one you literally have your heart living outside of your chest, which is terrifying at times.

You change when you become a mummy and suddenly, your days are full of doing all the things for everyone else, every single day and somewhere between being a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, an employee, a business owner, you lose who you were and who you are now becomes unrecognisable.

I know for me it felt like I lost my identity, my place in this world. My body changed, my life changed and the way I saw life was very different. It felt scary and very lonely at times.

So many questions and thoughts raced through my mind daily and there is no book out there that tells you about all the ups and downs, the feelings, anxieties, intrusive thoughts, and post-natal depression to name but a few.

The feeling of this invisible “Motherload” suddenly lands on us and gosh that’s heavy.

After I had my son, I remember feeding him and looking down at him with this overwhelming feeling of so much love, but also so much anxiety. “Am I doing the right thing for him, making the correct choices and giving him everything he needs.” “Am I managing mummy hood, juggling childcare and work correctly, will my partner still be attracted to me now I’ve had a baby and he’s seen me at my most vulnerable.”

The pressure we put on ourselves, the constant “am I doing enough,” the need to feel like you can do it all alone, the desire to look like Superwoman to everyone on a daily basis and not once stopping for you, asking yourself what you need or even asking anyone for help is exhausting and unhealthy.

I have two amazing children, the first I had to go back to work when he was 8.5 months which was bloody hard and with the other, I have been lucky enough to stay home, work on my healing journey and build my dream business. Now I know how lucky I am but the latter for me has been so much harder. When I went back to work, I got to pee alone, have a hot drink, not share my lunch, and have an hour’s lunch break. As a stay-at-home mum some days you get no let up or even a chance to take a deep breathe, plus it can feel very lonely at times.

How ever old your children are its non-stop and there is no let-up of the motherload. For some reason society makes it out that if we complain or really say how we feel we aren’t grateful. I’m here to say I’m beyond grateful for my two children and my life, but it’s bloody hard and very consuming at times.

Yes, we may know how to ask for help and that we can, but in all honesty isn’t it sometimes just easier to do it ourselves and a lot of the time, quicker.

Whilst I have learnt how to ask for help and believe me it took time; this doesn’t come easy for all. I really had to work on this, constantly reminding myself to stop and ask before I would get to the point of feeling like an eruption of emotions would explode out of me like a volcano.

We need to talk more; we need to share how we feel and be more open and honest.

I want to share something with you all so that if this has happened to you or is happening right now, you need to know that you are not alone my friend.  

As much learning, growing and practices I do I still get completely overwhelmed at times and this past week I had a full-blown panic attack. Now I have not had one of those for at least 4 years and it completely took me by surprise. I’d realised I’d forgotten something on the food shop, no big deal right? But realising this totally triggered me. I started crying, I could not get my breathe and I was having a full-blown panic attack.

My husband who never understood what anxiety or panic attacks were before he met me, really came to my rescue. I am so grateful to him because he saw me start to breathe heavy, panic and begin to cry. He just held and hugged me for as long as I needed him too until I could control my breathing again.

Once I had calmed down, I sent myself to bed and began a tapping meditation where I just cried and let out all that emotion. During that time, it came to me why this happened… I’ve had no time to myself for a while and I was craving some alone time. I need me time, my mind, my body and my soul crave to be creative, to read and just be present with myself.

Time alone for you is essential for your general wellbeing and health.

Now the fact the biscuits were missing was irrelevant, it is the pressure we put on ourselves to make sure everything is planned, ordered, tidied, clean etc. We feel we must remember everything and keep up with societal standards like World book day, children’s parties, out of school activities and the list goes on.

Women are supposed to juggle motherhood and work like we are not mothers, but be present mothers like we don’t have to work. This is a huge undertaking and no wonder so many of us are suffering as a result. A few things I’ve noticed recently, living like this is putting so much stress on our bodies, which can equate to poor health, anxiety, depression and may result in taking a pill to make us feel better. Now I am not saying the pills are bad – it’s an observation I’ve seen how many mothers are resulting to this, just to feel ok and function day to day.

There is only so much the mind, body and nervous system can take and when you reach this point your body is screaming at you to stop, breathe and re-set.

I ask – is this how you want to live?

The constant stress within our bodies, the panic attacks that take us by surprise, the constant load we put on ourselves, or can we make some small changes to help whilst juggling homelife and our work / businesses?

For me reaching the mentioned panic point, I now realise how big the build-up was, I’ve gone through a lot of emotional healing these last few months, building a business, studying and being a mama / wife / friend / daughter. The overall load just got too much.

I needed a break – AND ITS MORE THAN OK TO ASK FOR A BREAK – its ok to ask for help and its more than ok to sit down with your spouse, express how you are feeling and work out how you can share this load equally. Just talking it through will make you feel lighter straight away.   

Our bodies and minds are so powerful that if you do ignore the small signs, they will begin to shout at you louder until you listen. Pay close attention to you, your mind, and your body. Really take time to tune in, listen and please remember to look after you.

Here are my top tips for looking after yourself:

·       Exercise – this can be anything from a daily walk, lifting weights, gym class, yoga – find something you love and go with it. Exercise gives you a D.O.S.E of Dopamine (motivates and makes you feel good) , Oxytocin (love hormone – giving you all the happy feels) , Serotonin (aids sleep and reduces feelings of depression & anxiety) and Endorphins (make you happy, boost self-esteem & enhances your immune system) How amazing is all of that?

·       Eat right – fuel your body with delicious wholesome food, meal prep for convenience and ease.

·       Drinks lots of filtered water – staying hydrated is key to your cognitive function and your organs.

·       Meditate – even if its 5 minutes a day. The power of meditation on the mind is incredible and there are so many science-based studies out there confirming this. You can meditate whilst walking, in the shower / bath or before bed. This practice is an easy one to add into your daily life.

·       Take time for you – whether it’s an evening a week or time at the weekend. Meet friends, go for a walk, attend a workshop, just do something you enjoy doing.

(Oh and a supermarket trip doesn’t count as time for you just FYI.)

·       Talk – talk and share how you are feeling with your spouse, friend or family member. It is so important to talk.

One thing I hear a lot is I don’t have time for me – I’m here to tell you to make time – if you choose to make time for you, you will. You are no good to anyone if you are not functioning properly and not taking care of yourself.

To all you amazing Mamas out there – I see you, I feel you, I am you. Look after you and smile knowing you are becoming the best, happiest version of you imaginable. XoXoX

 Written by Nicole Grant - May 24th 2023